So you’ve landed a job interview. Congratulations! Time to blow it spectacularly.
Whether you’re plotting your escape from corporate drudgery or just conducting social experiments with HR personnel, here’s your foolproof guide to making sure you never get a callback.
Of course, if you do want the job, simply do the exact opposite. Voilà—instant interview prep.
1. Arrive Fashionably Late. Or Obscenely Early.
Punctuality is boring. If you want to leave an impression, show up 20 minutes late with a coffee in hand and a story about traffic that sounds more like a car chase. Bonus points if you keep your interviewer waiting and look annoyed when they finally greet you.
🕗 Want the job? Be 5–10 minutes early, calm, and collected.
2. Dress for Confusion.
Why dress professionally when you can be memorable? Hoodies say “tech genius,” gym wear says “I’m ready for action,” and beachwear screams “I live in the moment.”
👔 Want the job? Mirror the company’s culture, but always lean toward neat, clean, and put-together.
3. Wing It. Research Is for Nerds.
Why read up on the company when you can say, “So… what exactly do you guys do here?” That’s sure to build confidence in your attention to detail.
🧠 Want the job? Research the company, understand the role, and have some thoughtful questions ready.
4. Trash Your Previous Employers.
“They were toxic.” “My boss was a micromanaging maniac.” “Everyone was out to get me.” This shows your passion… and gives your potential new employer a preview of what you’ll say about them later.
💬 Want the job? Be tactful. Talk about challenges you faced and lessons learned, not vendettas.
5. Talk. Nonstop.
Interrupt your interviewer frequently. Monologue about your cat’s sleep schedule. The more irrelevant, the better. Remember: silence is awkward—for them.
🗣 Want the job? Practice active listening. Answer questions clearly and concisely.
6. Lie Boldly.
Claim you invented JavaScript. Say you worked at Google when you meant you googled things. It’s not lying, it’s “manifesting.”
📜 Want the job? Be honest. Skills can be taught, integrity can’t.
7. Answer With One Word. Or One Hundred.
Yes. No. Maybe. Or better yet, ramble until you forget the question. Bonus if you take a philosophical detour into your childhood memories.
🎯 Want the job? Tailor your answers to the question and keep them relevant.
8. Treat It Like a Therapy Session.
Overshare. Break down. Tell them about your ex, your horoscope, and your current existential crisis. Vulnerability is the new black, right?
🛋 Want the job? Keep it professional. Authenticity is good—emotional overspill, not so much.
9. Ask No Questions. Or Inappropriate Ones.
Don’t ask anything. Or ask things like, “How soon can I take vacation?” and “Do you monitor internet usage?” That’s the kind of curiosity that opens doors—out of the building.
❓ Want the job? Ask thoughtful, relevant questions that show interest in the role and company.
10. Ghost Them.
Nothing says “hire me” like not replying to follow-up emails or vanishing after the final round. Maybe they’ll find you on LinkedIn and wonder where it all went wrong.
👻 Want the job? Follow up with a thank-you email, show appreciation, and maintain communication.
Final Thoughts
A job interview is like a first date—with less flirting and more background checks. If you’re trying to not get hired, these tips are your golden ticket. But if you’re actually hoping to land the job? Avoid every single one of these pitfalls like an open office kitchen on tuna salad day.
Remember: success is about showing up, standing out for the right reasons, and being just the right mix of prepared and personable.
🎤 Over to You!
Tried any of these interview mistakes yourself (accidentally or otherwise)? Got a horror story that makes HR sweat? Share it in the comments—no judgment (okay, maybe a little).
And hey, if you liked this post, don’t ghost us. Share it on social media and tag a friend who needs a little interview therapy. 💼🔥
