Because You Can’t Namaste Your Way Out of Burnout
Self-care. The glittering buzzword of our overstimulated, overcaffeinated, productivity-addicted era. Once upon a time, it meant eating vegetables and getting 8 hours of sleep. Now it’s evolved into a chaotic circus of jade eggs, 27-step skincare routines, and breathwork sessions that suspiciously resemble hyperventilation.
But not all self-care is created equal. Some of it is, let’s face it, utterly useless. Possibly even detrimental. So, as a public service to your sanity (and your bank account), I present:
🕯️ 1. “Just Light a Candle and Breathe”
Ah yes, the age-old wisdom: when your life is falling apart, set it to mood lighting. Whether you’re spiraling from existential dread or the unpaid electricity bill, the solution is clearly a $48 soy candle with a name like “Palo Santo for the Wounded Inner Child.”
You sit. You breathe. You exhale all your anxiety… until you remember you’re now $48 poorer and your apartment smells like haunted eucalyptus.
Verdict: Unless you’re a soothed raccoon, this is aromatherapy delusion at best.
🍵 2. Drinking Herbal Tea While Ignoring All Your Problems
Drinking chamomile tea is not a personality trait. Nor is it a trauma response plan. Yet somehow, our generation has decided that pouring hot leaf-water into Pinterest mugs is the same as therapy.
You sip. You feel calm. Then your inbox dings with another passive-aggressive email from your boss titled “Quick Sync?” and the anxiety slaps you harder than the caffeine-free disappointment you’re holding.
Verdict: If your form of stress relief is drinking something that tastes like sadness, you deserve better.
💸 3. The “Treat Yourself” Spiral That Ends in Bankruptcy
Retail therapy can be cathartic. But if your idea of “self-love” is blowing your rent on sequined throw pillows and skincare that requires a PhD in chemistry, you’re not practicing self-care. You’re speedrunning toward a future episode of Hoarders: Influencer Edition.
You bought crystals. You bought Korean eye patches. You bought a blender you’ll never use. And somehow you’re still sad and financially unstable.
Verdict: Buying stuff to fix your emotional void is like taping a Gucci logo on a sinking ship.
📚 4. Reading 200 Self-Help Books Without Helping Yourself
You’ve got a Kindle full of titles like Atomic Mindset for Highly Sensitive Billionaires and Unleash Your Inner Alpha Unicorn. You highlight. You nod sagely. You tell friends you’re “doing the work.”
Meanwhile, your actual to-do list has been untouched since 2022, your laundry is plotting a coup, and you still haven’t answered that one text from your mom.
Verdict: Reading about change ≠ changing. Congratulations, you’re now highly literate in your own dysfunction.
🙏 5. Forcing Gratitude at Gunpoint
Yes, gratitude is scientifically proven to boost well-being. But when you’re trying to muster a thankful heart while your landlord raises rent and your cat throws up on your only clean hoodie, the best you can do is:
“I’m grateful for… not being on fire?”
Performative gratitude is the emotional equivalent of putting googly eyes on a dumpster fire. It’s cute. It’s optimistic. But it’s still on fire.
Verdict: You’re allowed to be pissed and thankful. It’s called emotional nuance. Try it sometime.
💡 So What Actually Is Good Self-Care?
- Sleep.
- Hydration.
- Saying no to people who drain your soul.
- Doing literally nothing for a while.
- Going outside occasionally like a Victorian orphan.
In short: real self-care isn’t always cute, and it doesn’t come in an Instagrammable package. Sometimes it looks like going to therapy. Sometimes it’s cleaning your kitchen. Sometimes it’s not responding to that one ex who DM’d “u up?”
So let’s ditch the overpriced nonsense, the productivity guilt, and the lavender-scented lies.
Take care of yourself like you’d take care of your phone: charge it before it dies, don’t run 30 apps at once, and when all else fails—turn it off and on again.
Namastay-in-bed, friends. 🛏️
