What Not to Do When You’re a Guest in Someone’s Home: A Survival Guide for the Socially Unaware

There’s an ancient and noble tradition that dates back to the early cavepeople: entering someone else’s home and not being a complete menace to society while you’re there.

Unfortunately, like common sense and landline phones, guest etiquette is rapidly becoming extinct.

Whether you’re staying the night, popping in for dinner, or just “using the bathroom” (and staying 45 minutes), here’s a definitive guide to what NOT to do when you’re a guest — unless your goal is to never be invited back again. In that case, carry on, champ.

🧠 Rate Your Guest Behavior: Are You a Delight or a Disaster?

You arrive at your friend’s house and they’re cooking dinner. You:
A. Offer to help, even if it’s just chopping onions
B. Hover over the stove giving unsolicited advice
C. Ask “What’s for me?” and crack open their last beer
You need to shower. You:
A. Bring your own toiletries and leave the bathroom spotless
B. Use whatever’s there, including the shampoo labeled “Dog”
C. Use their loofah, razor, and leave wet footprints
You’re sleepy and need a place to crash. You:
A. Ask politely and leave early the next morning
B. Fall asleep mid-conversation on the couch
C. Announce you’re moving in “just for a few weeks”
Your host puts on a movie. You:
A. Watch it even if it’s *The Emoji Movie*
B. Scroll your phone, ask “Wait, who’s that?”
C. Change the channel to your show without asking
You spill wine on their cream sofa. You:
A. Confess, apologize, help clean it up
B. Toss a pillow over it
C. Blame their (nonexistent) cat
You’ve stayed three nights. Your plan is to:
A. Leave a thank-you note and depart
B. Ask for “just one more night” and ₹500
C. Start forwarding your mail to their address

🏡 1. Don’t Treat It Like a Hotel — Unless You’re Planning to Pay ₹₹₹

This is not the Taj. There’s no housekeeping. No breakfast buffet. No front desk to yell at when you can’t find the remote. So maybe don’t text your host at 2AM asking for “more fluffy towels” or if they have oat milk “for your digestion.” You’re not a guest; you’re a parasite in yoga pants.

👃 2. Don’t Bring Your Scented Entourage

We get it. You like to smell like “Oceanic Mist Meets Unicorn Regret.” But unless you’re trying to fumigate the premises or summon allergic spirits, easy on the cologne, incense sticks, or that mysterious garlic-laced body spray.

Also: lighting a scented candle in your host’s bathroom without permission is not zen — it’s arson-adjacent.

🐾 3. Don’t Bring Your Pet Without Asking. Especially If It’s a Lizard.

“I didn’t think it would be a big deal” is not a valid excuse when your emotional support iguana is eating your host’s pothos plant. Ask first. Always.

Illustration by Brenda Carolina Ortiz Diaz on Unsplash

This also applies to children, emotional baggage, and casual boyfriends named Zee who vape indoors.

🧼 4. Don’t Rearrange the Fridge, Pantry, or Feng Shui

Yes, they store their ketchup in the cupboard. No, you may not fix it.

You are a guest, not Gordon Ramsay. You don’t get to alphabetize the spices, judge their off-brand cereals, or move their Himalayan salt lamp “to improve the chi.”

(Also, touching the thermostat? Congratulations, you’ve just become public enemy number one.)

🛁 5. Don’t Use Their Loofah. Just—Don’t.

That fuzzy sponge in the shower isn’t community property. If you forgot your toiletries, ask politely, or dry scrub yourself with shame and regret. Do not, under any circumstances, use their loofah, razor, or toothbrush. You might as well lick their doorknobs.

🪑 6. Don’t Monopolize the Host’s Time (or Toilet)

Yes, you’re charming. But that doesn’t mean your host wants to hear about your three-hour dream involving Ryan Gosling, a watermelon, and your sixth-grade math teacher.

Also, if you’ve been in the bathroom for over 20 minutes and there’s no running water — what exactly are you doing in there, Greg?

📺 7. Don’t Take Over the Remote and Put on a Documentary About Your Diet

Your keto journey is inspirational. But maybe don’t hijack movie night with “The Truth About Bread: A Gluten-Heavy Conspiracy.”

If your host puts on a show, smile, nod, and silently suffer through Season 5 of Real Housewives of Andheri West like a decent human being.

🛌 8. Don’t Overstay. Even if You Brought Wine.

There’s a reason Cinderella left by midnight. It wasn’t her curfew. It was because fairy-tale etiquette > real-life mooching.

If your host starts yawning, tidying up aggressively, or subtly handing you your shoes — it’s time to go. No, really. GO.

🤐 Bonus: Don’t Give Feedback on Their Home Unless It’s “Nice Place!”**

“This is cozy” is fine.

“This place could really use an open floor plan” is not.

Keep your inner interior designer gagged and bound. You’re not on HGTV. You’re on borrowed time.

In Conclusion: Channel Your Inner Mary Poppins, Not Your Inner Menace

Being a good guest is simple: Be kind. Be helpful. Don’t be gross. Leave before you’re legally considered a tenant.

Follow these rules and you’ll be invited back. Break them, and your next invite will be to leave the group chat.

Now go forth, fellow humans, and commit fewer crimes against hospitality.

📢 Join the Conversation

👇 Share your thoughts in the comments below!

What Not to Do When You’re a Guest in Someone’s Home: A Survival Guide for the Socially Unaware

🧠 Rate Your Guest Behavior: Are You a Delight or a Disaster?